When to Break Up: Relationship Advice
By Marcia Sirota
One of the most important questions in a problematic relationship is when you ought to work on things and when you ought to walk away. It’s not always easy to know what to do. Here are some tips for how to determine whether a relationship is salvageable or best gotten out of.
In every relationship, there are three types of needs: the things that you can’t live without, the things that you can’t live with, and everything else, which is negotiable.
The first group of needs, the things you can’t live without, would include items like trust, respect and a sense of connection, but really, anything could be on the list, as it’s what you specifically need.
If you see that you’ve been foregoing the things that you really can’t live without in the relationship, you must discover whether it’s possible to have them. Otherwise, you’ll be settling for less, which will make you very unhappy.
The second list is what are known as the “deal breakers.” These are the things you can’t live with. They’re different for every person, but they can include neglect, abuse and infidelity. Staying in a relationship which includes one or more deal breakers is a recipe for long-term unhappiness and often, resentment.
If one or more deal breakers are present in your relationship, you’ll have to see whether it’s possible for you partner to stop what they’re doing immediately. There’s no point in waiting for them to change. You’ve already been tolerating the intolerable.
If your partner can’t stop the deal-breaking behaviors right away, they may never do it, and then you’ll be stuck waiting indefinitely for something that you need immediately.
The rest of our needs are things that we can be flexible about. These issues may be frustrating or annoying but they don’t cause us suffering if they’re absent or present.
If we’re OK living with the toilet seat always being up or the windows open at night when we’d prefer them closed, or even with someone who smokes, then of course, leaving shouldn’t be an option. These issues can be discussed and hopefully, over time, negotiated more to our satisfaction.
In my practice, my patients have two types of spouses: those who’ll consider couples therapy and those who won’t. When they’re having problems, the couples who go to counseling always do better than the ones who don’t. It’s hard to work through relationship difficulties and often, some objective, professional guidance and support is extremely helpful.
If your partner absolutely refuses to go to counseling with you and you’ve tried to work it out with them but were unsuccessful, you have two choices: to keep trying to make things better on your own or to walk away.
OM Times Magazine » syndicated
